Out of Office: Panicking and will BRB

I can't come to the phone right now, I'm having my daily existential crisis.

At 6:30am, my alarm goes off (read: my dog begins to breathe very heavily and remarkably close to my mouth). I wake up and play my favorite game: Is this a heart attack, or am I experiencing symptoms of severe dehydration from sleeping for 10 hours?

The game is prompted by a delightful little pressure on my chest, like a baby elephant sitting directly o…